Pitchers go 1-2 in Amateur Draft

It's Sunday. None of the pre-Daytona sporting events on TV look appealing. When I suggested ordering PPV porn, my wife said, "Don't you have an imaginary baseball team to obsess over?" And I remembered, last night was the amateur draft.

So, I offer you the Top 10. Now, I won't be referencing specific numbers, but we've retained investigative staff to learn more about these picks. Onion Ball hired NPR Car Talk Staffers Ron DesVue, the director of clandestine meetings, and the fact checker from their Mexico City Office, C.S. Verdad.

No. 1/Monterrey: Trent Milligan, 18/P. The Saranac, N.Y. native is in for a culture shock. Milligan hails from a town deep in the Adirondack Mountains, where the temperature this morning was 2 degrees. A finesse pitcher, Milligan's sinker and curve should benefit from the humid gulf breeze in Monterrey, where it is 73 today.

No. 2/Philadelphia: Kareen Duckworth, 18/P. We've been able to confirm that Duckworth was not a lab combination of Kareen Abdul-Jabbar and former Portland Trailblazer Kevin Duckworth. At 5-10, 204, Duckworth cuts a less than imposing figure on the mound, but he's projecting nice velocity numbers that Philadelphia should be happy with. The only question is how the Austin native will transition from Texas beef brisket to Philly Cheese Steaks.

No.3/Santa Fe: Garland Nathan, 18/ss. Texas shows up again at the third pick. Nathan has five-tool potential and will set the market for position players picked in this draft.

No.4/Minnesota: Harpo Dunn, 20/ss. Vanceburg, Kentucky...where the men are men and the sheep quiver. Harpo channeled his desire to get off the farm and out of Vanceburg into his infield work. What you didn't know is that he was named after his mother's hero -- Oprah, which is Harpo spelled backwards.

No.5/Portland: Danny Weston, 18/ss. The second Northern New Yorker to go in the top five, which is odd since the snow doesn't melt and the fields don't open up there until sometime in May. Weston was offered a scholarship and a chance to play in a warmer climate in Binghamton, N.Y., but will instead consider a $3 million plus bonus from the Beavers.

No.6/Atlanta: Kip Davis, 20/rf. Named for Tom Hanks' character in the 80s show "Busom Buddies," Kip Davis is the first outfielder selected. The Ontario native was his conference's batting champion at Ridgewater College as a sophomore, but Davis is best known for winning a provincial poutine contest in high school.

No.7/Colorado: Allen Fisher, 18/p. This three-pitch southpaw is all finesse cut from the Barry Zito mold. The difference is that Zito was born in Las Vegas and Fisher is from Oak Hill, West Virginia. If Fisher does reel in the projected $3 million plus bonus, he will actually double the GDP of the state.

No.8/Milwaukee: Jason Hurst, 18/p. The lefthanded hitting Hurst is commanding a big bonus and our team says that he will delay riding around on buses for four years of banging anything that moves, weekends that start on Thursday, and pretty girls who do your homework...yes, he's looking at taking a scholarship.

No.9/Buffalo: Pat Biggio, 20/p. A two-pitch reliever, Biggio mixes control and speed, much like another Buffalo superstar athlete -- O.J. Simpson.

No. 10/Richmond: Lawrence Walsh, 18/rf. When Lawrence (don't call him Larry) found out he was heading to Virginia, he reached for an atlas to find out where it was. Not the brightest bulb in the box, he has mastered the ability of connecting the bat with the ball.