"Who's on First"

Enjoy. It has to be the funniest baseball skit ever.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfmvkO5x6Ng&feature=player_detailpage

Power Rankings!

I've whipped up a simple little Power Rankings formula to track how well teams are doing throughout the season. (How long until SF and Portland are 1,2?)

Ranks as of 8/18 PM

1. Chicago Cubbies, of course

2. San Francisco Oogle Birds

3. Boston Minutemen

4. Jacksonville Panhandlers

5. Portland Beavers

6. Chicago Black Stockings

7. Houston Hawkeyes

8. Toronto Norsemen

9. Durham Spitoons

10. San Antonio Summer Knights

11. Kansas City Mustangs

12. Texas Texans

13. Philadelphia Flash

14. Boise Peelers

15. Seattle Nightmare

16. Toledo Steel

17. Charleston Colon Byrnes & Ichiros

18. Memphis Where My Pitches At?

19. Buffalo Hot Wings

20. New York Chechakos

21. New Orleans Missouri

22. Vancouver Gulls

23. San Juan Reales

24. Richmond B' Hounds

25. Milwaukee Miller Time

26. Mexico City Serpientes

27. Los Angeles Stars

28. Cincinnati Motorboaters

29. Arizona Amberwoods

30. Fresno Yokuts 31. Scranton Vagitarians 32. Washington D.C. Senators

The Draft - Year 10

It's that time of year again! Time to scrutinize some Wailing Onions newbies!

1. Mexico City Serpientes - Christy Pisciotta (2B)

This high school infielder has the ability to terrorize you at the plate, with high ratings in all five major categories, and is one of the fastest players in this year's draft pool. He also makes me crave a biscotti.

2. Houston Hawkeyes - Milton Wall (2B)

I am told he is one of the best players in the draft. I say "told" because I personally never got to scout him, and he has yet to sign with the Hawkeyes. I assume Boras has his hands on this.

3. San Antonio Summer Knights - Johan Lewis (SS)

Here's an infielder who scouts raved about for his contact ability, but he can also drive it out of the park as well. His walk count may be low, but his contact suggests he can make magic out of balls only Vlad should swing at.

4. Richmond B' Hounds - Roman Clark (2B)

Yet another strong hitting infielder. Clark comes equipped with massive lefty-killing abilities and the maximum possible speed. For southpaws, facing Clark will be worse than trying to get The Flash out.

5. Texas Texans - Alan Fleming (SS)

The third Texas team in the Top 5 also picks an infielder with strong hitting and speed, but they are taking a huge risk on Fleming due to his poor health. Rumor has it he once fell from atop the Grand Canyon and found it so fun, he jumped off a second time.

6. Chicago White Sox - Miguel Zapata (RP)

The first pitcher off the board is a reliever who projects to have high stamina. His stuff is impressive, but some scouts worry about his lack of velocity.

7. Washington D.C. Senators - Clem Allen (1B)

This kid absolutely tore the cover off the ball at Collingswood HS, and there's nothing to suggest he won't do the same thing in the major leagues. He'll soon have fans singing "Oh My Darling, Clem(entine)!"

8. Milwaukee Miller Time - Diory Javier (SP)

The first starting pitcher off the board is a raw high school talent. Some are concerned by a potential weakness to lefties, but he has the potential to develop into a solid pitcher.

9. Vancouver Gulls - Ebenezer Kennedy (C)

What a bat! He's not only powerful, but efficient, seeing the strike zone very well. He may not make it as a catcher at the major league level, but can easily DH and terrorize the American League.

10. Cincinnati Motorboaters - Randy Bard (CF)

This UCF grad brings high-quality defense to the Motorboater organization, as well as a decent bat that can hit for contact. You can never underestimate the value of a top CF. Or a UCF student.

11. Kansas City atlanta - Alex Escobar (LF)

The switch-hitting Escobar brings in a solid bat that is a nightmare for all the right-handed pitchers of the world. Or he would have if he had signed already. He may be lost in Atlanta for all we know!

12. Minnesota Honeycrisp Apples - Keith Gray (3B)

Currently listed as an SS in the organization, but I'm not sure how that could possibly work out. Likes to play Battleship with the ball, as evidenced by enormous power projections.

13. Fresno Yokuts - Flip Leonard (RP)

Flip has the best splits in this draft, but threats from his mother about finishing college dropped him down to 13th. So far, mom has had her way, as Flip remains un-signed.

14. Fresno Yokuts - Oswaldo Castillo (RP)

Undeterred, the Yokuts drafted (and signed) another reliever. Castillo's high velocity and technical prowess threatens to be a gargantuan challenge for the opposition. But not Flip Leonard's mother.

15. New Orleans Missouri - Steve Duvall (SP)

High velocity and GB/FB ratio are Duvall's selling points. However, he'll need a lot of training against right-handed batters if he wants to excel in this league.

16. Chicago White Sox - Branch Davenport (CF)
Davenport is the second defensive CF taken in this draft, but that's not all he can do. He tied up lefties in knots at the plate.

CBS FANTASY WAILING ONION LEAGUE

After 7 weeks here are the current standings. My friend Eddie Garza has his Hydras kicking ass. I hope we can convince him to play HBD.





Yellow Onion Division

Team                                              W     L     T       PCT

New York Cheechakos                      5     2    0      0.714

Tampa Bay Hurricanes                     4      3    0     0.571

Chicago Cubbies                              3     4      0     0.429

Memphis Where My Pitches At         2     5      0     0.286



Purple Onion Division

Team                             W    L     T      PCT

San Antonio Hydras       6     1      0      1.000

Fresno Yokuts               5     2      0      0.714

Texas Texans                3     4      0      0.500

S.F. Oogle Birds            3     4      0      0.500







White Onion Division

Team                                    W     L     T     PCT

Jersey City Skeeters              4      3     0      0.571

Santa Fe Booze Hounds         3      4     0      0.429

Hartford Crushers                  2      5     0     0.286

Norfolk Subs                         2      5     0     0.286

O'Brien Seeks Swan Song at 38

SP Alvin O'Brien spent 9 years as the ace of the Arizona Amberwoods staff, but may have to finish his career wearing some other cap.  O'Brien and the Amberwoods could not agree on terms for a new contract before the open market deadline, and now the 2-time Cy Young Award winner might have to part ways.

O'Brien is over the hill as baseball players go, but can still get it done on the mound.  He was a finalist for last year's AL Cy Young Award, after spinning a 19-11 campaign with an ERA of 3.19.  O'Brien also notably threw a no-hitter at age 36 a couple of seasons ago.  Even at 38, he will bring Type A compensation back to the Amberwoods if he signs elsewhere.

O'Brien is hoping for at least 2 years on any new contract, which might be a point of contention for some franchises given his age.  But he hasn't seen much dropoff in production, and he has never had to go to the DL.  Perhaps O'Brien is just one of those players who defies all laws of nature.  Or perhaps Arizona's commitment to player training regimens and medical facilities are the reason O'Brien seems as spry as a 27-year-old.

When looking at possible destinations for the all-world pitcher, 7 teams spend $20 million on training as Arizona did, and only 5 of those could benefit from the win-now mindset signing O'Brien would require.  Of those 5, Portland and Philadelphia are already pretty solid in their rotation.  So that leaves Los Angeles, Rochester, or O'Brien's original home, and the Stars don't have the room in their budget to meet O'Brien's demands.  So the leading candidates for now might be the Amberwoods and the Lake Effect Snow.

Those are the only teams who should sign him, but of course there's no rule saying a team must spend $20 million on training to make a big free agent splash.  Only time will tell, but O'Brien is definitely one of the major storylines as free agency officially opens today.

Trade Cyclone hits Wailing Onions

Many trades were consummated this off-season, and we haven't even gotten to free agency! Here's a round up:

Charleston trades SP Kyle Merritt to Buffalo for two minor league SP and one RP.

Charleston trades SP Hal Ricarrdi and LF Pat Saunders to Seattle for a minor league OF, C, and SP.

New Orleans trades RF Heath Gwynn to Chicago (AL) for LF Erik Gray and a minor league SS.

Jacksonville trades RF Benjamin Davis and minor league LF, C to Washington D.C. for RF Felipe Lee, C Matt Sweeney, and a minor league CF.

Toledo trades SP Brian Montague to Texas for a minor league RP.

Charleston trades LF Hector Pettitte to Memphis for a minor league SS.

Philadelphia trades SP Wesley Barker for RP Tomas Campos and a minor league CF.

Texas trades 3B Jim Johnstone to New York for C Quinn McMasters.

Los Angeles trades C Woody Flaherty to Mexico City for a minor league 3B.

Cincinnati trades RP Carl Campbell to Chicago (NL) for a minor league SP.

Charleston trades a minor league SP to Arizona for a minor league SS and C.

Toledo trades RP Greg Malone and a minor league SS to Fresno for SS Goose Thompson and SP Esteban Valdes.

Seattle trades SP Alfonso Cruz to Washington D.C. for a minor league C and RP.

San Antonio trades SS Shawn Strong to Boston for a minor league SP.

Slot work

ONLY IN AMERICA can an 18-year-old from Coleman, Mich. walk into a room and demand millions of dollars. And only in sports are people dumb enough to hand it over.

This brings us to the season nine amateur draft in the Wailing Onion. Usually I do the top 10 or 12 picks, which is about all I can take until getting bored. We'll see how this goes.

1. ST. LOUIS: Vernon Myers, RHP. This high school from Michigan is going to be a hero one day. Until then, his current ratings are better than some of my major leaguers. Gulp. Anyhow, great splits and control from this kid.

2. NAWLINS: Derrik McPherson, 2B. Arguably the best player in the draft, McPherson is a four-tooler, with speed as his only real downside. He has strong contact and power numbers and a solid eye. His defense isn't too shabby either.

3. SANTA FE: Dontrelle Harding, SS. The 19 year old has some growing up to do. Good contact. Great power. Meh splits and, for a shortstop, he has rightfielder's defensive projections.

4. MILWAUKEE: Norm Crawford, LHP. The first southpaw was a nice prize for the Miller Time. Strong splits and good control and velocity numbers from this kid.

5. CHICAGO(A): Geraldo Tavarez, RHP. Nineties splits. Mid-80s control. Solid glove. And the tool wants to finish college.

6. CINCINNATI: Willis Lindblom, SS. A legit shortstop (defensively), Lindblom has monster power numbers and solid splits. Downfall is mediocre contact.

7. WASHINGTON: Amos Sowders, RF. Great health and durability. Great power. Great splits. Great eye. And that's about it.

8. SEATTLE: Ariel Espinoza, 3B. Like my tires, Espinoza is well balanced. Mediocre contact, paired with solid splits, power and eye. His defense is pretty good too. Overall he's good, but not great.

9. MINNESOTA: Ham Thielman, RHP. Surprised that the Ham dropped this far, but that's likely due to his signability. Great control and velocity, and good splits. His health is troublesome. The Hammer remains unsigned.

10. VANCOUVER: Ajax Robbins, LHP. A lefty closer, Robbins mixes great control and velocity. Really, really strong durability and health numbers.

11. SAN ANTONIO: Junior Mendoza, SS. A shortstop built to play third base. When he makes contact, the ball is likely to fly. Strong power and splits and a really sharp defensive makeup. Good durability but lousy health, much like my wife.

12. FRESNO: Bill Elster, SS. Across the board, he's projecting on the cusp of a five-tooler. Of course, if he doesn't sign it could be a problem.

13. TEXAS: Melvin Baldelli, SS. Solid defense and good offense. The power is impressive. The splits are not.

14. ROCHESTER: Ivan Garces, LHP. Good control and splits for this 19 year old lefty. I'd be a little concerned about his near even flyball/groundball ratio.

15. NORFOLK: Sam Rando, LHP. Great velocity and control mix. Splits are good and the flyball/groundball ratio are meh.

Other notes:

• Garry Miller at the 33rd pick is the $1m break. No. 34 signed for $960,000.
• Round one lasted 57 picks with A and B supplementals.
• Mr. Irrelevant? Portland's unsigned pitcher Rudy Matthews. At pick No. 827, Rudy is a pitcher and even that is a stretch.
  

Week IV

The calendar says, "Thursday." My class doesn't show for another 45 minutes. I think it's time, ladies and gents, for week four of The Onions!.



We've bounced back here at Control from a nifty snowstorm which closed my office early, canceled my Thursday evening teaching assignment. Today, it got to the low 40s in Syracuse and most of last week's snow has melted. My in-laws, on vacay in Myrtle Beach, called to complain about the weather last night. I took the opportunity to make fun of them and said that next year, they should just give me the $500 they spent on airfare and I'll go on vacation.

Enough chatter.

TRENDSPOTTING

• Tip of the glass to reigny for clocking the longest losing streak in season nine. His 11-gamer heading into the PM2 cycle is keeping my underperforming bunch out of last place in the AL South.
• And while we're on the subject, thanks to Ralph and Mark for handing me a 1-7 record during our interleague meetings.
• Arizona's five-game winning streak is the current Best of the Bigs and is made even more impressive with their sub-.500 home record.
• Speaking of homewreckers (well, if you say it fast it kinda sounds the same), San Francisco is 31-9 on the road. Not what one would call a hospitable guest. They also have top record in the WO at 58-14.
• Boston's Howard Lee is toting the league's longest hit streak at 17 games. He's also sporting league highs in home runs (26) and RBI (82) and is this weeks The Onions! Player of the Week.
• Congratulations to Gene Koehlert, Texas' only league leader from the plate. His 317 at-bats are a source of Texans pride.
• AL pitching is leaving a bit to be desired this year. Of the top 20 pitchers in earned run average, THREE -- Lewis Harang of Rochester, Les Carroll of Chicago and Tom Miller of Texas -- are from the junior circuit. You know the pitching is bad when my team is in the equation.
• Allen Glynn earned two more wins this week, giving the Jacksonville starter 15 on the season. Barring an injury or one of Mark's players running him down with the bullpen cart, he will likely break the single-season wins mark held by Portland's Larry Dickens (24 last season).

WHAT ABOUT NERIO?
A new feature of The Onions!, we'll take a look at how everyone's favorite roid head, Nerio Turner, is faring. Suffice it to say, it's not going well in Washington for the 34-year-old. He has four hits in 13 at bats for the Senators. Nerio has one home run but only seven appearances thus far. Eek.

WHERE IN THE WORLD IS OR-BER NIETO?
Another new feature, we'll try to track down the world traveling Orber Nieto as he tries to stay with one team for an entire season. All we need is Rock-a-pella to do the theme song.

Anyhow, Orber has been with Houston since a mid-season trade in season eight. In 55 games played, he is hitting .272-16-33 with a respectable .936 OPS. Unfortunately, the 32-year-old is out with a back injury for the next five cycles. This makes injuries to his back, shoulder, knee, hammy and hip during his career. But, with five teams in nine seasons, he's got to have some great frequent flier mileage.

DISABLED, DISMEMBERED AND DISEMBOWELED
Note: Disemboweled was the first "dis" word to come to mind. I need help.

A quick check of the disabled list shows one new member of the 60-day vacation club. Bartolo Cordero of Kansas City is gone for the season with a torn hamstring. Very nice. Five new entries on the 15-day include Hiram Boone and his blistered finger.

INTERNATIONAL FREE AGENTS
Amazing how baseball can mend fences between nations. Venezuelan-born third baseman Carlos Cervantes signed with Washington. Maybe one day Hugo Chavez and the United States will be able to put aside its differences. Of course, Cervantes' record setting $18.2m bonus payment would do it for me too.

NOTABLE TRANSACTIONS
There was one trade this week. St. Louis and San Francisco swapped minor leaguers.

A draft review is forthcoming. It'll take a few days as I'll be out of town this weekend.